I feel lost.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. It feels like time moves too slow when I want it to move faster and too fast when I need more time.

Every time I pick up my phone, I feel lost, almost like I don’t have anyone to talk to. And it isn’t that I don’t have anyone to talk to, it’s that I don’t have anything I want to say to the people that are available to talk to right now.

Will there be a day that I finally just give up? I can’t see myself doing that, but how long can I keep up this positive attitude that I try to maintain when it feels like nothing is working?

Maybe I’m just feeling this way from the accident. Maybe my brain hasn’t figured out that things need to calm down and return to a state of normalcy.

I don’t know what else I can do.

I’m drowning, and I wish I had someone to help me. But I got myself into this, and that is what I always tell myself. I got myself into this and now I have to deal with it. And I will, just like I always do.

I wish I didn’t feel like such a disappointment to everyone around me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried this week, for reasons unrelated to my accident.

I wrote much more than this on my one post on Medium last week. Ever since the accident, I haven’t been able to get everything back on schedule. I’m trying, and today, I am actively rescheduling my week again, using my new to-do app that allows me to schedule out my life in advance. So, that’s what I’m doing to help myself, because it feels like nobody is going to help me.

I feel like I can’t relate to those that I felt like I was going to relate to when I started all this. I’ve been trying to be myself and get more personal, but it doesn’t seem to really be doing anything. Finding my audience has never been something I expected to find, regardless of the work I put in, but now that I’ve changed my focus from books to books and freelance writing, it’s been hard to find anyone that can relate to me.

At this point, you can probably tell that I’m using this section as a way to not only tell you about my life updates but also use this as a way to vent my frustrations and share stories with you that you might be able to relate to as well.

On a better note, my next book is still set to release in January, and I’m hoping I won’t have to push it back, but things haven’t been going as well as I thought they would recently. I will keep you updated.

I’m planning on separating myself slowly from Tiktok. Not that I won’t be active on there, but within the last few months, my focus has been only on Tiktok content, and the results of my work haven’t been what I expected. I really need to focus on placing my time into other areas to connect with my audience—or potential audience—so, I’ll be putting more time into Instagram and Facebook.

I’m also going to put my time into writing other pieces outside of my book again. I was doing a really good job of keeping myself accountable and on track, but ever since the day of the accident, everything got pushed back, and I haven’t set a date to do things that I need. But that’s what my schedule is for.

My schedule is also going to contain more family time. As much as I want to leave my 9 to 5, it simply takes up too much of my time and writing seems to take up so much of the rest that I feel like I haven’t focused on what’s really important: building a relationship with my family that’s going to last a lifetime. Because someone has to try.

Reading Recommendations

I have a few recommendations from Medium that I highly suggest, not even if you’re a writer. These articles might actually put something into perspective for you.

Mastering Happiness: The Watermelon Lesson | by Dev Kumar | Aug, 2024 | Medium

Why Not You? Overcoming Self-Doubt to Achieve Success | by Dev Kumar | Sep, 2024 | Medium

My Current Read

… is still the same as it was last week and the week before, simply because the accident really fucked up my thought process. This book could have easily been read in one day, maybe two, but I haven’t found the motivation to sit back down and finish it—not with everything else that’s been on my mind, not with everything else that needs to be done first.

Recent Finds Unrelated to Reading

I’m a positive person, I’m a positive person, I’m a positive person. Things are going to go well, and even though life has been shitting on me within the last three weeks, I’m going to get through it.

If you can’t tell, I don’t have any recent finds unrelated to reading, but I’m trying to be positive about that fact.

Recent TV Shows & Movies

My spouse and I have been watching Law & Order: SUV. As a fan of true crime shows, my spouse recently turned on Law & Order: SUV, and it looked very interesting, so we’ve been watching it together. I’m not sure if he’s seen the whole thing, but he has me under the impression that he has but can’t remember some episodes, because he seems as surprised as me at the outcome of some of the episodes.

As a side note, next month I’ll be watching Halloween movies. In fact, while writing this I’m watching the first Hocus Pocus.